Jubilation is one of my favorite words. I like how the word rolls across my tongue and fills the space of my mouth. Jubilation means to feel great happiness and triumph. Why am I writing about happiness? Well, I have recently been struggling with the idea of happiness and all of its descriptions (bliss, joy, exhulated, triumph, you get my drift). I felt great distress because I was so disconnected from happiness. Or so I thought. When I witnessed other’s expression of happiness it did not resonate with my own formulation of joy. So, it got me thinking more intently about my experiences and I arrived at the conclusion I was not a happy person (this lie lasted a few days). I started down my spiral of shame passing through every judgement, negative thought, and insecurity along the way.
As the descent down the staircase of shame continued feelings or rejection, abandonment, and envy rose to the surface. I was feeling raw, vulnerable and alone. I was annoyed with myself which only served to feed my ever growing shame. Backstory shame and I are good friends, well acquainted. I am very adept at using shame as communication tool opposed to using shame as permission to be unkind to myself. Now back to my regularly scheduled shame shit show.
As I was heading into the belly of my shame experience I realized just how raw and naked I felt. My level of insecurity is at an all time high. Most days I am fierce and confident, yet today (and the last few weeks) I feel weak, void, and untethered. In the past, when friends call to ask how I am doing my response is normally, “Fabolous”. Recently when ask how I am doing there is a pregnant pause before I respond. Or I say, “trying to feel Fabolous”. I am in the space of feeling blistered and cracked from everything feeling personal and deep. No one would know the chaos brewing because I don’t make a habit of sharing my internal thoughts and feelings in the moment which brings me to how all of this got started in the first place.
I am by nature an observer preferring to watch life from the outside of the crowd. I, over the years, have learned to operate from an emotionally reserved place. To be fair, I am reserved in most areas of my life not just emotionally. My lack of sharing is even a source of tension in the workplace. Needless to say, I keep loads of things to myself. This is not always a negative trait, yet I am coming to a phase in life where my level of reservation is no longer serving me. It is time for me to offer up the comfort of my constraint and move towards the discomfort of being radically open.
How does naked road rash and shame relate to not being happy. In truth, it is not that I am unhappy, rather I don’t participate in all of the happy experiences I am surrounding by each day. I am great at crafting experiences and accumulating moments of bliss, but I lack the practice of engaging fully in the happiness. When happy moments arrive I start to think. Not the kind of thinking one would associate with fear, stress or anxiety, but the type of thinking that keeps things moving. Imagine a party planner, he or she enjoys the fruits of their labors but they don’t actually party. Party planners stand in the background moving all of the pieces, keeping chaos at bay. I am a party planner of life – always doing but never partaking. I am not exactly sure when I signed up to curate experiences joyous in nature for others to gormandize, but I quite. I chose to participate in joy, bliss, zeal, and jubilation. Therefore, I resign.
Dear Party Planning of life agency:
I would like to offer my formal resignation. Please consider today, August 13, 2018 my last day. Due to the intensity and self-immolation required for this position I am not able to give you a two week notice. I am thankful for my time as a Life Party Planner and all that it entailed. I have learned much about myself and life during my time with the agency. I understand leaving a position I have held for 20 years will be a transition requiring Grace and patience while I find my next job. However, I am looking forward to experiencing this next evolution of life free from the need to orchestrate, curate, or craft moments of pleasure. Rather, I will use my talents and gifts to participate in rich and joyous moments. I will savoy happiness like the birthright it is without exception or doubt. Thank you for this opportunity to grow, learn and give to others. I am forever grateful for all your agency has offered.
I’m over this this shit. Thank you, but no thanks! Danell