I love how Glennon Dolye describes the “hot loneliness”. Doyle describes the place where pain and discomfort lies as the hot loneliness which is a place I am all too familiar. For me my hot loneliness was not just the mental pain, but the physical pain. My “hot loneliness” was filled with all the thoughts I suppressed, the emotions I ignored, and every secret my body ever held. My hot place felt like the belly of an active volcano with its rolling lava and pressure from the stream building at the base. Although I had been hand delivered Grace that night as I lay in my bed I still had a tremendous amount of work to do. I had not yet learned the importance of sitting in the dark hot place that haunted me. The moment the heat started to creep up I fled. I was certain if I let even an ounce of my pain I would die. So, I continued my practice of distracting only this time I had given up the drugs the booze and sex.
At the time I did not realized I was perpetuating my issues, rather I felt I was victim to circumstances. It was not until I decided I wanted to try my had at dating, again, that it became clear I was the cause of my distress. Dating was never my thing. I was always described by my dates at guarded, cold, or stuck up. In hind sight I can see how my actions presented as reserved and guarded while in reality I was just scared. I had convinced myself I was both unable to give and receive love. This made for a very odd dating history. I would either find myself being stalked by some poor guy who liked women who did not like him back. Or men who thought I should consider myself lucky to date them. Both set of men made staying single easy. I did date a few guys I liked, but like all women who fear love I sabotaged the relationships.
Sabotaged, oh how good I was and turning a good thing bad. I was fully aware of my saboteur as she was my ally. My Saboteur was my shield against love because by this time love was my enemy. I was not the least bit interested in finding forever. In order to find forever one must first believe that forever can exist. I was long past fairytales and romance; I was committed to being entertained. So, in the age of internet dating I made several dating site profiles. This was an age long before Tender and thank goodness it was otherwise my Saboteur would have had a field day. Now, because I was looking for a good time that is what I attracted, most of the time at least. Sometimes I just got weirdness. My saboteur was having a field day during my dating days. All was well until it wasn’t and the way my life was set up at the time things happened in a series. No, I could not get just one event, but I had several dating events that led me to the conclusion I was a hot mess and then some. Like fear and shame the Saboteur served me long and well. Then, the Saboteur begin to drain the life out of me.